Romanticizing Red and the Ferris Wheel

Delighting at the thought that it's Heart's Day, I am insufferably surrounded by lovers with no problem showing how in love they are. My Mom has a date, so does my Dad, and my grandparents too! They would even tease me if I managed to snag a date for this day, but alas, no. 

I think I have dedicated my Valentine night with my Central Barkada/Team and nothing more. No special someone as of late, not that I'm rushing or anything. I just believe, or would just love to rather, that HE's out there. My soulmate. And no, it is not pathetic to have faith in destiny or fate. I can feel that I am soon to come across with a serendipitous encounter. And soon I shall come to meet my fiction-based guy. I do not know you yet, but I can hear you through the songs I accidentally play or happen to hear while out on the streets. I would like to think that you are waiting for me too, because I'm such a hopeless romantic. And I disagree at the notion of people that this only happens in movies.If people are able to act it out, write about it, and sing about it, then it could be possible. It counts as real. As real as your mind wants it to be.

***

I'd imagine myself sitting inside a Ferris wheel overlooking the city at night adorned with mesmerizing lights. Of course, I won't be alone on this fateful day. Atop the ride we chose we'll hold hands and glance each other shyly and perhaps blush at an immediate mutual thought. We smile and inch closer, feeling our warm breaths grazing our faces. At the touch of our lips, there the city sparks fireworks. Beautiful colors describing the insides of our brains and the riot of butterflies in our stomachs. We detach, just to communicate with our eyes and smile again. As we hold each other's hands tighter, we look at the city lights once more. Our faces were red as ripening tomatoes but we're happy, like lovesick teenagers again. We say the three little words, we often say, build up promises for this year and the next, and before we knew it, it was time to alight our magical vessel. Before I turning away, I looked up again at the Ferris wheel who bore witness to the sweetest Valentine's day I ever spent with you. Not because you gave me gifts, roses or chocolates, but because you were there at the exact moment I wanted you to be. With fingers intertwined and the red string of fate wrapped around our pinkies, we departed with plastered smiles and blissful hearts.

That is how I would like to spend my Valentine's Day... in the coming years I suppose. :))

Happy Heart's Day everyone! Keep the love burning! <3

An Art-ly Fancy

I wanna draw your face

let every detail of your pores
moles
newly sprout facial hair
and scars

fall to the lead-etched paper

where from the clean sheet of white

barren and
longing

be christened to your sweet
existence

Para kay R: Second wave

Part Two

Dated: April 8, 2012

Wala naman tayong relasyon, as in wala. Pero bakit ang sakit sakit nitong nararamdaman ko? Nasasaktan ako kaapag nakikita kong nilalambing mo siya. Oo, alam ko girlfriend mo eh, ako naman, wala pa nga sa friendzone.

Bakit kasi hindi kita kayang kalimutan?  :(

Pag sinusubukan ko, pag ginagawa ko, kapag pinipilit ko, mas lalong masakit. Akala ko mas magiging masaya ako na makita lang kita masaya. Masaya din naman ako kaso, ang hirap ipantay. Mas lamang 'yung pangungulila ko sa'yo. 'Yung kagustuhan kong isigaw na "tumingin ka naman sa direksyon ko. Nsasaktan na kasi ako!"


Pero ano nga ba nag pakialam mo sa kalagayan ko? Hindi naman talaga tayo magkaibigan, ni hindi tayo nag-uusap. Lihim lang akong nagmamahal sa'yo, at hanggang dun na lang ata 'yun. Tinangka ko namang sabihin sa'yo kaso wala akong natanggap na sagot mula sa'yo. Siguro, kung ni-reject mo na lang ako nung araw na'yun, hindi siguro ako maghihintay, aasa at mag-aassume pa ng higit sa dapat kong asahan sa hindi mo pagsagot. Bakit nga ba wala pa ring sagot ang natatangi kong tanong? Oo o hindi lang naman 'yan eh. Kung wala ka talagang nararamadaman paara sa akin, sabihin mo para hindi na ako nasasaktan ng ganito. Pero siguro nga iniisip mo na matalino akong babae at malalaman ko rin ang sagot dahil hindi ka nakipagbreak sa girlfriend mo at lalo mo pang ipinapakita kung gaano mo siya kamahal sa aking harap. No need for words, your actions say it all. Gusto ko sanang isipin na ganun na lang pero tuwing umaga parang nare-reset ang notion na 'yan at bumabalik ang feelings ko para sa'yo. I truly am hopeless.

Hopelessly inlove with a guy who doesn't even care.

For my eternal inspiration: Para kay R

Found some journal notes that I've been hoarding up for 2 years. Maybe it's about time na ilabas ko na siya mula sa baul. As a sign of moving on and letting go.

Dated: June 23, 2011


Kung gagawa ako ng isang sulat para sa taong gusto ko, gusto ko parang isang nobela.
Isang nobelang walang katapusan,
para masabi ko lahat ng nararamdaman ko para sa kanya,
walang katapusang mga salitang nagpapahayag ng matagal ko ng itinatagong damdamin.
Ang mga katagang kay hirap sabihin kapag kaharap ko siya, mga bagay na nais kong ipaabot sa kanya pero naduduwag akong malaman niya.
Sino ba itong taong gusto ko?

Ang taong nakasungkit ng puso ko ay isang nilalang na nakakatakot sa unang tingin. Hindi dahil pangit o mukhang sanggano, pero dahil sa mga mata niya.
Makikita mo sa mga mata niya na hindi siya kaagad nagtitiwala. Parang "off-limits" ang parte ng pagkatao niya na iilan lang ang masuwerteng nakakakilala.
May mga pagkakatong seryoso siya, minsan masayahin at nakakatuwa ang mga ekspresyon. Masaya ako kapag masaya siya, natatawa ako kapag nagpapatawa siya. Napapangiti ako kapag nakangiti siya.
Kahit na maingay sa classroom, nangingibabaw pa rin ang boses niya, ewan parang may radar ako pagdating sa kanya, parang lang.
Nung una ko siyang makilala, takot talaga ako sa kanya.
Pinagtatambal kami pero hindi ko pa alam o hindi ko pa napagtatanto na gusto ko pala siya.
Tsaka na lang, nung nadiskubre kong napakalayo niya pala.
Para siyang isang tala na mahihirapan akong abutin at pakiramdam ko, papagurin ko lang ang sarili ko kapag ipinagpatuloy ko pa ang paghahangad sa isang katulad niya.
Kahit na inilalagay ko siya sa isang pedestal, may mga bagay din na ayaw ko sa kanya, na kahit ginagawa niya gusto ko pa rin siya.

Ayoko talaga sa isang lalaki na naninigarilyo, ayoko sa isang lalaking pala-mura at nakakayang murahin ang isang babae at siyempre ayoko na ng musikero (long history).

Nagyoyosi siya, umiinom, pala-mura (pero bagay din naman sa kanya), musikero at mahirap lapitan.

Pero siya ang dream guy ko, heavensent.

I asked God if I could meet the guy who at least meets half of my standards. He did grant me my prayers. I met A.R.H.R, he didn't just meet my standards but exceeded  my expectations. It wasn't easy trying to deny how he makes my heart skip a beat or two.
An embodiment of my dreams.
It's like God said, "There he is". But to my disappointment, I came to realize that my dream guy is actually too good for me. I worry, what if "I" don't meet his standards?
Then a thought struck me, although my dream came to a reality, it doesn't mean the dream stopped there.
I just have to continue dreaming then.

Isa lang naman itinitibok ng puso ko kapag nandiyan siya eh, "MAHAL KITA, Ramon."

***

Nakakainis, I want to strive to be someone na worthy man lang sa paningin ni SP (Superpotato=Ramon), but I always fail. At one point, I started giving up on trying.
At kahit ano naman ang gawin ko, I WILL NEVER BE WORTHY OF HIM.

Past ko pa lang, epic failure na.
Ugali and personality pa kaya?
Round 1, K.O na agad!
I hate this, it's hard to love someone secretly, and secretly waiting for a chance to tell him how you feel but end up in vain.

I waited for 11 years for someone who had no idea of my existence, somehow.

And now , I'm afraid I might end up in the same predicament again.

Natatakot ako paano kung after 11 years siya pa rin ang mahal ko?

Sigh. Grrrrrrrrrrrr... iwas na lang. Yeah, dun naman ako magaling eh. :)