Why I said good bye to high school…

It’s been five years now since I left that place. And since I left it, I never dared to look back. I don’t have any contact with my old high school pals anymore even those I claimed to be my best friends. Maybe some of them ended up in my Facebook, we don’t chat up or even talk often. It’s all in the comments and likes now.

Far from the memories I once held so precious to me. And I think they have forgotten me too. But it’s not like I hate them or the school. Perhaps it’s that change that comes to people as they grow, like breaking through puberty. There has been this big change which caused the gap even more. Change of interest, change of schedule, change of mind and/or a change of heart.

All I know is that I’ve changed. And I have refused to acknowledge that past ever since. I question myself about it once in a while but up to know I don’t have the exact answer to this either: Is it because I’ve hated my weak self on those days that I turned my back?

Nine years ago, I was a Nobody. But I’ve met an amazing set of people that I’ve intentionally forgotten except one. I’m not the friendly type or the charming speaker. I’m not one of those cool kids or the brainiacs. I belonged to none actually, just my one circle of friends who were average as me.

High school was a change from my elem days too. I became an honor student but still that same nobody. I seldom interact with people. I may count myself annoying too, but I don’t remember who I was in high school. All I can tell is that there would always be ranks and a hierarchy in every high school that classifies you and puts you into place.

The cool kids, the smarties, the kikays (pretty girls and wanna-bes), the D-bags (pranskters, gangsters and the meanest of the bunch), the sportatrons (athletes and varsies), the bud-butts (kids who are the butt of every joke but are still good pals with the cool kids, throwing in some wanna-be-cool kids as well) and the passives (average kids who do not care at all about the other ranks).

Thinking about it, maybe this is why I hated high school. It wasn’t much fun for me. It was… worthy of being forgotten. Sure, I had great moments too, but it’s still overruled by the negative thoughts I had about it. It would’ve been better if my HS friends were around, but they’re not, making me bitter and more stubborn about the whole thing.

I live next door to a high school classmate of mine, but we act like strangers now. Maybe it’s the same for him with me. And so are the others, the constant hi and hellos but never keeping a steady contact. Well, it’s fairly easy to forget when it meant nothing, right? 

Midnight Adrenaline

An in-between momentum

Never minding if it is still

Yesterday or Tomorrow

Rushing to and fro

Side by side we glide

I feel the forthcoming shadow of a bus

Or was it a Dromiceiomimus?

The breeze just keeps on kissing my face

Fervently without tire or pause

One more pedal and the heat just rises up

Up to my head

Pumping relentlessly through the chambers of my heart

Thumping tremendously amidst the busy honking streets

Of the city

I see only lights through my peripheral

Blurred movements

Unclear dialogues

Odorous unpleasantries

Heaving deep breaths

We continue leaning forward

Turning without swerving

Thrills beyond the veiled sky

And the overseeing moon

Quarter-life house

Quarter-life house

Part 1

The mere sight of it sickens me. The food is poison. And the air is suffocating. Every sort of negative-tinged emotion is channeled through my living veins. An excruciating torture of the mind delivered by an internal battle to remain sane. My source of pain. The kind of company that Misery is well-matched for. A house I was sheltered in, of which I refuse to call Home. Since it never was to begin with. 

Its facade is a white beautiful marble house but the depths are incredibly rotten. The walls are thick dark and depressing. They whisper insults and degrading words behind you every time you pass, but as you turn around to face them... All you see is a barren passage way with extremely daunting walls. You can feel eyes fixed upon you. Every movement watched and judged. And when you attempt to fall asleep and shut your eyes, cold hands wrap around your neck and gradually tightening the grasp until you are forced to stay awake at night, completely on guard. 

You see empty vessels moving around the house, a lot much like you... eventually. You hear them speak hollow words and produce an eerie kind of laughter, but do not be fooled, it is pointless to ask them for help. For they can even drag you down deeper. Just a meter-stop close to Hell, with the tip of the eternal scorching flame barely tickling your toes.  

Every corner just swallows you in, whole, alive. Nowhere to go, nowhere to hide. If you are unfortunate enough to be imprisoned or trapped at this place which I have described, then you would know the feeling.  

DEEP-CUT: Liking Someone is not for Sissies

ACT I - PASSIVITY

As I was net "stalking" my crush, I came across a blog (Crush's name was tagged upon Google-ling). Realizing later, that it's from someone I knew in my high school days. A very happy-go-lucky, jovial guy, and a central jester among his peers. I never knew he could write so well, last that I heard of him was that he took an "Art" related course and he's very good at it. One entry after another, I started to get to know him. It was his online journal. 

I only knew him by his name, his face. A junior, but aside from that? Nothing more. He always had a smile plastered on his face. I assumed that he was carefree and all I know is. We like the same guy. (Well, I still do that is, don't know about him though.)

Yes, he is what you think he is. And I thought so too. I didn't bother to get to know him then. It was quite irritable, you see, that he's always clinging to Mr. Crush. But of course, why didn't I take action of this, you ask? First, I am in no position to do so. I am not Crush's mother nor am I his girlfriend. In fact, for the last and best reason is, I'm just a friend. And I didn't think he has bad intentions to Mr. Crush, he's just always fooling around and making everyone laugh with his antics. Besides, who was he anyway?


ACT II - CONSOLATION PRIZE

I do remember being with him in a certain event. And boy, was he ever clingy to Mr. Crush (as I expected)! It did quirk my interest and curiosity of how did those two become so close. Of course, I understand that we all have side stories of how we met people in some stances of our lives. It was just sort of weird to see them to be all friendly and stuff. I didn't ask though. But tonight, I learned how deep their relationship was ( not that there was really anything beyond friendship ). It left me somewhat apologetic and proud.

I will not disclose the details, but now I have begun to REALLY understand. It seemed unreal, a work of fiction, and perhaps a magical stroke of fate, but piecing all of what i know and heard from others, it was hard to falsify them. At his last paragraph, he said and claimed to have understood Mr. Crush, if not better than anyone else, at least Mr. Crush opened up to him. 

Truth be told, Mr. Crush is really stubborn. He has a hard time expressing his feelings even if they are to his friends. To have that kind of achievement, he just earned my respect. All of his pestering and relentless shower of love and attention paid off. He may not be by Mr. Crush's side anymore (sparing him of other foul insults and judgement) and may not even have stood the chance to vie for the prized heart, but he had won a special award.

ACT III - AN EXPECTED UNEXPECTED END

He was utterly rejected. That left a huge gap in his heart. But the best part of it all is that he moved on, and all he said was, "I'm just happy to have come across him just when I thought I had a pitiful life." He wasn't angry. He wasn't bitter. He was proud. He was happy. 

To be rejected, may be ONE of the most painful thing one could go through. And at the time that it happens to us, as fresh as it comes, we think of how unbearable it is. And we become afraid even if some have not yet experienced it, the fear and  thought of rejection are capable of shattering all hope and leave us hurting. It is selfish, to think of our own pain and expect so much for the retaliation of feelings. Yes, it is not the feeling of liking someone that hurts us. It is the assumption and the eventual disappointment of it not being mutual. Liking someone is not putting some net ever that person and calling dibs on him/her. It's being free and true to yourself. 

Admitting to liking someone will not and cannot make you weak or arrogant, it makes you brave and open. Feelings are not abnormal, weird, feeble, insignificant or gross. I think, it is one of the variables that sets us apart from others. It is what makes us perplex as humans. It is what makes us move and live the life we are supposed to. No matter how vulnerable you may seem, it can make you a little stronger without even realizing it.

FINAL ACT - A LITTLE PUSH AT LIFE

"Pag-crush mo isang tao, hindi naman necessary na sabihin mo agad sa kanya." (If you like someone, it's not necessary to confess it right away) You can just build a world around it with hopes and one possibility that the feeling would be reciprocated. I think, its sole purpose is to INSPIRE you. To work hard, to be better, and do things you think you normally wouldn't do. To feel good about everything you do (especially when it's for that special person). It's not a crime to like someone. But to be ashamed of it is. Liking someone is just another way of discovering yourself, you may not know the exact answers as to "Why Do I Like This Person?" but in time you'll realize those reasons once they've served their purpose.

Then there's the thought of taking it to the next level. If you think that the feeling is strong enough, borderline love, then you'd consider telling that lucky individual the truth of it all. And if you're lucky enough too, you could have everything in that made-up world come true.

After reading an online journal of someone I know and can relate to. I salute him for being that brave, though he has been rejected quite a few times by the same person. His love/infatuation was unfaltering. He may have received a lot of criticisms and harsh words from the person he likes, but at least that didn't stop him for showing he cared. It was not shameful. It was not disgusting, grotesque, or ludicrous. It was extraordinarily beautiful.

*photos from Google

Some things you just hate to happen to you

 

1. An unsuspecting quiz at a subject you suck at. Ironically, you have already expected your score.

2. Be caught in the spotlight when your boss suddenly asked you a question you are downright flustered to answer. And within a span of seconds you have already conjured thoughts of how to kill him. But you can't, so you're just content with torturing him in your head.

3. Knowing the answer to a question that you're too shy to voice out until someone else does and you just mentally note to yourself, "Damn, I was right".

4. People ignore you and everything you do or say just goes unappreciated, especially whenever you've gone out of your way to show some effort.

5. Assuming someone you like likes you back, only to find out that you're wrong. And worst, everything they do just gets your hopes up and end up confusing you all the while (I really don't see the point of people doing this).

6. They use you as a "flirt buddy" and go ballistic whenever you mention "feelings" and "relationship".

7. Used up all your savings right at the time you're in dire need of it. 

8. Bummed out that you can't hang-out with your friends because you're unfortunately grounded or tied up with schoolwork or a tight deadline.

9. When your computer just crashes and you haven't even saved the important file you've been working on for hours. 

10. Realizing that your fly was open after almost an hour of teaching and pacing to and fro in front of 39 students.

11. Accidentally letting some drool slip caused by laughing too much.

12. Waking up from a quick nap and discovering your test paper is visibly almost covered in your own drool and there's only 5 minutes left before you turn it in.

13. Having a really creepy stalker that the very breath of him makes you uneasy (e.i. when he's behind you, which is his favorite place to be in a matter of speaking) and stares at you in the most creepy way even after you've ended the conversation you were forcibly had to share and hinted numerous times that you're ignoring him.

14. Being forced to eat something you don't even imagine putting in your mouth just because you're in a tight spot (e.g. First Dinner with your boy/girlfriend's family, Lunch out with bosses, first date with a very hard to impress crush, and etc.)

15. Being left alone you feel incredibly lonely.

16. When you can't take back the all the painful things you've already said.

17. Disappointing those people you look up to or trust you.

18. Watching the one you love being totally smitten by someone else.

19. Having no real friends.

20. Being bitter due to all the hardships and aches you've encountered and carried with you. Eventually, being engulfed in the hatred of the things that had passed and towards yourself.

21. Having to stay behind as you watch someone you really care about leave you with no assurance of their return.

22. Not wanting to become the person you hate the most but in the fervent struggle to veer away from that path, you lose sight of who you really are.

Romanticizing Red and the Ferris Wheel

Delighting at the thought that it's Heart's Day, I am insufferably surrounded by lovers with no problem showing how in love they are. My Mom has a date, so does my Dad, and my grandparents too! They would even tease me if I managed to snag a date for this day, but alas, no. 

I think I have dedicated my Valentine night with my Central Barkada/Team and nothing more. No special someone as of late, not that I'm rushing or anything. I just believe, or would just love to rather, that HE's out there. My soulmate. And no, it is not pathetic to have faith in destiny or fate. I can feel that I am soon to come across with a serendipitous encounter. And soon I shall come to meet my fiction-based guy. I do not know you yet, but I can hear you through the songs I accidentally play or happen to hear while out on the streets. I would like to think that you are waiting for me too, because I'm such a hopeless romantic. And I disagree at the notion of people that this only happens in movies.If people are able to act it out, write about it, and sing about it, then it could be possible. It counts as real. As real as your mind wants it to be.

***

I'd imagine myself sitting inside a Ferris wheel overlooking the city at night adorned with mesmerizing lights. Of course, I won't be alone on this fateful day. Atop the ride we chose we'll hold hands and glance each other shyly and perhaps blush at an immediate mutual thought. We smile and inch closer, feeling our warm breaths grazing our faces. At the touch of our lips, there the city sparks fireworks. Beautiful colors describing the insides of our brains and the riot of butterflies in our stomachs. We detach, just to communicate with our eyes and smile again. As we hold each other's hands tighter, we look at the city lights once more. Our faces were red as ripening tomatoes but we're happy, like lovesick teenagers again. We say the three little words, we often say, build up promises for this year and the next, and before we knew it, it was time to alight our magical vessel. Before I turning away, I looked up again at the Ferris wheel who bore witness to the sweetest Valentine's day I ever spent with you. Not because you gave me gifts, roses or chocolates, but because you were there at the exact moment I wanted you to be. With fingers intertwined and the red string of fate wrapped around our pinkies, we departed with plastered smiles and blissful hearts.

That is how I would like to spend my Valentine's Day... in the coming years I suppose. :))

Happy Heart's Day everyone! Keep the love burning! <3

An Art-ly Fancy

I wanna draw your face

let every detail of your pores
moles
newly sprout facial hair
and scars

fall to the lead-etched paper

where from the clean sheet of white

barren and
longing

be christened to your sweet
existence

Para kay R: Second wave

Part Two

Dated: April 8, 2012

Wala naman tayong relasyon, as in wala. Pero bakit ang sakit sakit nitong nararamdaman ko? Nasasaktan ako kaapag nakikita kong nilalambing mo siya. Oo, alam ko girlfriend mo eh, ako naman, wala pa nga sa friendzone.

Bakit kasi hindi kita kayang kalimutan?  :(

Pag sinusubukan ko, pag ginagawa ko, kapag pinipilit ko, mas lalong masakit. Akala ko mas magiging masaya ako na makita lang kita masaya. Masaya din naman ako kaso, ang hirap ipantay. Mas lamang 'yung pangungulila ko sa'yo. 'Yung kagustuhan kong isigaw na "tumingin ka naman sa direksyon ko. Nsasaktan na kasi ako!"


Pero ano nga ba nag pakialam mo sa kalagayan ko? Hindi naman talaga tayo magkaibigan, ni hindi tayo nag-uusap. Lihim lang akong nagmamahal sa'yo, at hanggang dun na lang ata 'yun. Tinangka ko namang sabihin sa'yo kaso wala akong natanggap na sagot mula sa'yo. Siguro, kung ni-reject mo na lang ako nung araw na'yun, hindi siguro ako maghihintay, aasa at mag-aassume pa ng higit sa dapat kong asahan sa hindi mo pagsagot. Bakit nga ba wala pa ring sagot ang natatangi kong tanong? Oo o hindi lang naman 'yan eh. Kung wala ka talagang nararamadaman paara sa akin, sabihin mo para hindi na ako nasasaktan ng ganito. Pero siguro nga iniisip mo na matalino akong babae at malalaman ko rin ang sagot dahil hindi ka nakipagbreak sa girlfriend mo at lalo mo pang ipinapakita kung gaano mo siya kamahal sa aking harap. No need for words, your actions say it all. Gusto ko sanang isipin na ganun na lang pero tuwing umaga parang nare-reset ang notion na 'yan at bumabalik ang feelings ko para sa'yo. I truly am hopeless.

Hopelessly inlove with a guy who doesn't even care.

For my eternal inspiration: Para kay R

Found some journal notes that I've been hoarding up for 2 years. Maybe it's about time na ilabas ko na siya mula sa baul. As a sign of moving on and letting go.

Dated: June 23, 2011


Kung gagawa ako ng isang sulat para sa taong gusto ko, gusto ko parang isang nobela.
Isang nobelang walang katapusan,
para masabi ko lahat ng nararamdaman ko para sa kanya,
walang katapusang mga salitang nagpapahayag ng matagal ko ng itinatagong damdamin.
Ang mga katagang kay hirap sabihin kapag kaharap ko siya, mga bagay na nais kong ipaabot sa kanya pero naduduwag akong malaman niya.
Sino ba itong taong gusto ko?

Ang taong nakasungkit ng puso ko ay isang nilalang na nakakatakot sa unang tingin. Hindi dahil pangit o mukhang sanggano, pero dahil sa mga mata niya.
Makikita mo sa mga mata niya na hindi siya kaagad nagtitiwala. Parang "off-limits" ang parte ng pagkatao niya na iilan lang ang masuwerteng nakakakilala.
May mga pagkakatong seryoso siya, minsan masayahin at nakakatuwa ang mga ekspresyon. Masaya ako kapag masaya siya, natatawa ako kapag nagpapatawa siya. Napapangiti ako kapag nakangiti siya.
Kahit na maingay sa classroom, nangingibabaw pa rin ang boses niya, ewan parang may radar ako pagdating sa kanya, parang lang.
Nung una ko siyang makilala, takot talaga ako sa kanya.
Pinagtatambal kami pero hindi ko pa alam o hindi ko pa napagtatanto na gusto ko pala siya.
Tsaka na lang, nung nadiskubre kong napakalayo niya pala.
Para siyang isang tala na mahihirapan akong abutin at pakiramdam ko, papagurin ko lang ang sarili ko kapag ipinagpatuloy ko pa ang paghahangad sa isang katulad niya.
Kahit na inilalagay ko siya sa isang pedestal, may mga bagay din na ayaw ko sa kanya, na kahit ginagawa niya gusto ko pa rin siya.

Ayoko talaga sa isang lalaki na naninigarilyo, ayoko sa isang lalaking pala-mura at nakakayang murahin ang isang babae at siyempre ayoko na ng musikero (long history).

Nagyoyosi siya, umiinom, pala-mura (pero bagay din naman sa kanya), musikero at mahirap lapitan.

Pero siya ang dream guy ko, heavensent.

I asked God if I could meet the guy who at least meets half of my standards. He did grant me my prayers. I met A.R.H.R, he didn't just meet my standards but exceeded  my expectations. It wasn't easy trying to deny how he makes my heart skip a beat or two.
An embodiment of my dreams.
It's like God said, "There he is". But to my disappointment, I came to realize that my dream guy is actually too good for me. I worry, what if "I" don't meet his standards?
Then a thought struck me, although my dream came to a reality, it doesn't mean the dream stopped there.
I just have to continue dreaming then.

Isa lang naman itinitibok ng puso ko kapag nandiyan siya eh, "MAHAL KITA, Ramon."

***

Nakakainis, I want to strive to be someone na worthy man lang sa paningin ni SP (Superpotato=Ramon), but I always fail. At one point, I started giving up on trying.
At kahit ano naman ang gawin ko, I WILL NEVER BE WORTHY OF HIM.

Past ko pa lang, epic failure na.
Ugali and personality pa kaya?
Round 1, K.O na agad!
I hate this, it's hard to love someone secretly, and secretly waiting for a chance to tell him how you feel but end up in vain.

I waited for 11 years for someone who had no idea of my existence, somehow.

And now , I'm afraid I might end up in the same predicament again.

Natatakot ako paano kung after 11 years siya pa rin ang mahal ko?

Sigh. Grrrrrrrrrrrr... iwas na lang. Yeah, dun naman ako magaling eh. :)

Usst.. Usst.. No, it's USTE.

                        I miss the grand tower..                            I miss the fountain that I haven't ran into yet..

                                                        I miss the lights and decorations every Paskuhan..

                                           I miss the Catwalk...

I miss the people I see these things with...

I miss the crowd...

The fireworks...

The events..

The unity...

 Harmony...

The plain grounds where I first stepped foot to become an adult..

Everything that made me the happiest person..

I miss USTE.

The Story of My Night

My head was spinning and the only company I had was the voice singing inside my head. The song coming from a long pink wire semi-attached to ears down to my three-year-old Samsung Champ, also in pink. I walked the path homewards alone. Saw many faces to which I recognized none.
Incognizant to their floating thoughts of riding home too, or going on a date with some number two. I was swallowed wholly by the blue whale that had me reach the north at exactly 9:00 P.M. Lesser people in the crowd, no pushing and hair-pulling this time. Shucks. No night thrill. The killer bus fetched me and off we went to Monumento, where snatchers build their haven of injustice. Luckily, I don't own anything (yet) worth getting mugged for.
Just one stop before MCU, Bagong Barrio I think, a group of Black Nazarene devotees (more like youngsters) caught the bus and sang a gospel song, which was nice if only they weren't making a fool out of it. I alighted the noise-stricken bus and continued my journey home.
Side-stopped at SM Hypermarket to buy some corned beef. My only joy in the morning. And some Yakult my nightly remedy. 30 minutes before closing. Done. Items checked. Hesitant to buy marshmallows for the kiddies. But what the heck.

Music still playing, I sang along with the song "The Moment It Stops" by The Narrative with indefinite lyrics jumbling in my head.

Finally, landed a foot at our doorstep while letting out a fully exhausted sigh. Met a welcoming smile from Daddy dearest, and a poker-faced greeting from some. Upon entering my sanctuary, there pinned on the wall, my overdue internet bill. Saying "Hello, please pay me," Like I won't? Patience, my dear freeloaders of internet connection. When I feel like it. When I;m done irritating you, scaring you that I might no longer continue to sustain your net surfing vices. Then I'll seriously think about it.


For now, I'd like to travel again. This time with my beloved bed towards dreamland.

Tomorrow, shall I travel alone again? Or will there be MRT antics to excite my nocturne cravings?

Finally got my hands on the 5th issue of TRESE <3
Getting addicted to the whole plot. I guess I must watch out for the upcoming releases to satisfy my growing curiosity and thirst for the TRESE comic.

Wonderful job, Budjette Tan! And of course to all that contributed to this masterpiece!

What's so good about this comic? Well for starters, it revolves around the Filipino myths, folklore and urban legends with sidings of beliefs and superstitions. It's very Filipino. The illustration is superb, creatively delivered as well as the puns and humor you find along the way.

I for one appreciate every detail of it. I especially like the hanging story of how Alexandra Trese (the protagonist) ended up with the job of being the Babaylang-Mandirigma/Mandirigmang-Babaylan and her family's story. She's the spiritual/elemental/supernatural detective in charge of keeping the aswangs and other ghastly creatures from causing harm to the human world. Plus, her sleuthing skills are incomparable AND~ she has two handsome sidekicks! The Kambal!

There are certainly lots of things to look out for. Prominent Filipino personalities could be seen at some issues, with close-enough other names of course. Like Manny P. in the 4th issue guised with the screen name Manuel in the "Fight of the Year" side story. Other characters are easy to guess as they're clearly obvious.

Check this out for more info:

http://www.writeups.org/fiche.php?id=4789

Happy New Year!