Simplified

Been stuck in bed for almost a day, sick and frustrated (not the sexual kind), and all I have for a companion is my trusty laptop which I named Ishnie.
And after browsing the entirety of my Facebook account and listening to random music, I have decided to mess with my blog. I haven't had the proper mood to write something or anything in weeks, but I had this urge to decorate/change something in my blogsite.

And then, maybe I could get my mojo back. It may be a trivial thing but hey, this could help in uplifting the inspiration-ban inside my head.
Other than thinking red monkeys singing La Bamba on top of Taj Mahal and a full-grown elephant dangling from a tree on a cliff, I would really like to free myself from such horrid and surreal thoughts. Take a pen and scribble sensible things in my journal once more.

And so, after two hours of deciding whether to go goth, idiotic and uncaring for my blog's look, it took this surreal sketch on my header to establish what I want my blogsite to look like. I trimmed it to a sheer white impression and used a part in the lyrics of a song I've been listening to more than 5 times today (talk about LSS).

Upload, delete, upload. And there you have it. I painted it white and stained it with my entries, each letter representing a distant memory and every punctuation deserved a contemplative pause.



Satisfied with what I've done, I took a nap, and told you.

Plummet to affliction

Letting go of someone so dear is like watching an elephant dangling from a tree. It is unheard of, it is quite impossible but not necessarily non-imaginable.

Waiting for the inevitable fall.

Martyrdom doesn't really mean to die for the sake of many or for one. Well of course, that would mean defying dictionary-term definitions, but is there a need for death to prove we care? In love, we get that a lot especially from romance films that sacrifice signifies the greatness of one's affection towards another. The greater the sacrifice, the greater the love is (yeah right~).

Think Bea and John Lloyd: Girl meets Boy, they fall in love. Years passed Boy falls out of love and despite the heart's protest, Girl accepts this fate and lets it all go. Just to secure Boy's happiness.

This is what I mean by the common set up in most heartbreaking scenes for romance flicks. Or it might be the other way around. The male protagonist would be the one to play the hero and smile sadly as he watches the girl he loves run into the arms of the newfound happiness.

It's not exactly death, but the torment blustering inside could naturally equate it so. For the select who haven't lived the experience, we hear stories, catch it on movies, dramas and read about them. We may even sometimes laugh about them and say how corny, how unreal and pathetic it all sounds. However, once the tables have turned it would be our past selves who will jest about our plight.And it's because we can only think of it but not really feel it. Like hearing people out or giving pieces of advice to a friend, you'll never know exactly what to say unless you've been there and gone through with it yourself.

-

How many times should you let someone go until you'd just stop and think, "why"?

-

You love them, care for them and eventually assume that they'd stay in your life for more than forever, but what happens if they don't? Not that I'm being pessimistic.

But that's the way it is. The Inevitable is herald to departure and farewells. As much as we'd want them to stay, their lives are not in our hands and their choices are not ours to make.

-

Why bother clinging to someone too much when you know at the end of it all, suffering awaits? Masochism.

Sacrifice. And the best damn answer, Love.

-

To recall, I heard someone say to me once, "It's love when you choose to keep all the hurt inside just to spare those special people from frowns and aches."

Just to say triumphantly (or tragically) that they deserve to be happy (like you don't?).

The thing is we all do deserve to be happy, and insisting to continuously mend something broken would later on wear it out until it becomes irreparable. 

 

-

Why prolong the agony of having no more love at all?

I say let the elephant have his fall.

Last post for the night, swear!

Now entering my dreamspace. Ah, paradiso paradis. 

Good night, good night

Thankfully, my writing has changed. I don't know if it's for the better but all I'm certain about is that I'm being influenced by someone I consider terrific. Also a writer of poetry and a "supreme" music fellow (I gave you a hint). Yes, you rock, You the man. Bows and praises. Two words. Rock On.


And that would be my way of saying, Thank you.


My previous update "Slide to Unblink", I don't know what external force made me write that. And the "Tapsi fume" which I wrote months before graduation for someone unforgettable, had also been revised as a tribute to this day. August 29. My admission to Oblivion.

"I forget your eyes, I forget your touch, your voice but never the day I wrote a stanza for you. The lines that remind me of the joys of basking in your puddle of love and the words that pierce like a hundred heated-needles"

Forget the person, but not the feeling.



Bonum nocte,
somnus puteus meus carus unus.

Slide to Unblink

Blink. Unlock. Blink. Nothing.

An empty box before
my eyes but not entirely so,
I just try to
search
for some kind of
novelty

a single thing to pass
could be simple
or a mere symbol

anything,
turning it into a sign

begging it to arrive
before some kind of deadline

Tapsi fume

Tonight is another replay,

another night of re-run on the way you smiled.

Although the smoke, clouded much of your face,

I could still see that upside frown

when you looked at me.

Cigarette or none,

lighter of hers or no one,

still you came and gave me that sweet curve,

I've always been dreaming of.

Envy could be a crime

Today, I posted a stat on FB. I was luring my friends for some out-of-town getaway, just the lot of us. I never felt this excited in months, and so I wanted to fully exhaust the feeling. Friends whom I tagged/invited for this weekender started commenting, they had doubts yes, but they were excited as I was nonetheless. It was quite fun, planning and laughing via chatbox with these creatures I have barely seen since graduation a few months back. So there I was, chatting them up and describing the beauty of Las Casas Filipinas de Acuzar, our esteemed destination. I was even searching for some affordable packages that we could use, and then it happened. An intruder, a former friend back in my elementary days that I happened to be reunited with in college, left a marvelous comment that had my brow raised for 2 seconds top. Everybody (and I meant our whole class) hated her. Man, I began to grow irritated with her too. She was like this unattractive Sarah Palin, only shorter and has more fats with loads of invalid arguments. Actually, no. She could not even compare to that American politician, at least Palin gained votes, even the minority of it. With this femme, no. No votes at all, not even a cheer. So back to the comment. She started with a line that says, "Oh my client works there.. it's blah blah (explaining to me what the place looks like. Like duh? That's why we want to go there! To catch a drift of the faded Hispanic era and relive the culture of it all!)" I retorted positively, stating that I already read about the place and saw it on TV numerous times. And to think she'll cut it from there (she's not even invited or whatever). She added, "I'm not aware of that it was televised, but my client is in charge of managing the place and he's the one who introduced it to me. It's a lil expensive but I'm sure it'll be worth a trip.". Brag much? Okay, whaddya mean in the last part? This kind of started to piss me off and I caught myself doing the McKayla discontent lip thing. I replied to her: "Yes, well that's why I'm finding less pricey packages and I think renting a whole casa makes it more expensive reaching about 11 to 18k than package inclusive room accommodations". Content with what I have said to her, still she had the guts to comment another more. In her last comment that I failed to provide a further response in utter annoyance, she says: "Yes, you could do that. But if you're a group of 8 to 10 just be sure to provide a minimum of 5-6k each, all expenses in. They give tours as well privileging you to use their amenities as well".
That did it. Lost my prized excitement and my appetite for planning. Was she saying we cannot afford such luxury just because her job lets her mingle with old, money-stinking bank CEOs? Okay. Temper control. I don't know what's gotten into her but it just made me laugh afterwards. One word struck me, ENVY.

Just because we're gonna have fun (and you're not included) doesn't mean you could ruin it for us. Laugh trip.

Let me tell you something about that particularly deadly sin. I was never a fan of Envy. It takes too much energy. When you're envious of someone, you have to be up-to-date of everything, and I mean, everything about them. New phone, expensive meals, cool hobbies (that you think could never suit you if you tried) and etc. You always have to compare the things you have and don't have with theirs. Plus, you whack your brain out with grand (in a lame way, if you know what I mean) excuses to compensate with your insecurities. Tiresome, right? You waste your time catching up only to find out it's too late, he/she has something new or better to brag about. But you don't stop from there. It's like an addiction, once you let the feeling dwell in, it's quite impossible to suppress it the way you want it. Like keeping a monster that you thought you could tame. Sucks. And then there's the possibility of losing yourself, you are so centered on the idea of toppling down this person or these persons you placed magnificently on a pedestal that there's no space left for your own identity. You slowly want to steal their identities, replace them on that spotlight that you yourself created.

Envy is a cancer-like obsession that slowly gnaws you up, piece by piece that starts from your superficial desires creeping its way up to your entire being. And the final stage for this chronic mental disorder (if worse comes to worst), this leads to you a sinister plotting of bringing that unlucky fellow down with no particular reason at all, with a firm belief in the cliche line "if I can't be happy, then no one will". That's a villainy end for you, chump. Perhaps I'll just see you in the big screens or in the papers stating you're in jail, either way you'll be famous. Won't that be nice? :D